Late night hump day is here people, and I picked the horniest hump day of them all to drop some knowledge on your asses. Once again this week, I am coming to you at a strange and unpredictable time, but when the inspiration Siren sings, you must swim (If you guy’s didn’t see the last installment of Pirates Of The Caribbean, then just exit stage left). The topic tonight is the ever so gentle swipe, to either right or left direction, that could determine the warmth and population of your bed. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we are finally gonna get down with some Tinder/Jswipe funk.
After putting up a very strong steel reinforced front of never getting into a dating app, today came and I caved. Out of all of my friends, guys and girls alike; I was the only one who had not jumped on the dating app crazy train. While intensive convincing, and seeing all of my friends on a constant circulation of dates, my will wore thin…like lambskin thin, I caved. Tinder was a little bit too deep of a pool for me, so like the nice Hebrew School Girl I never was, I opted for Jswipe. Viewing Tinder as Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window (If you didn’t catch the Hitchcock reference it’s okay…IMDB it) gave me a more than clear birds eye view that it was a little too aggressive for my already “Pre-Tinder-Hater” attitude.
So Jswipe it was, downloaded on my dating app virgin IPhone6 (I hope her first time was special). First I had to construct the perfect profile. It wasn’t so much me trying to impress guys, more of me being a competitive psychopath. I said to myself, “Hey self, it’s bad enough you’re doing this…but you may as well be the best at it”. With that “can do” attitude, out came every hot bikini pic that has ever been taken of me. Once I was satisfied with the boob to butt ratio’s in each picture, off I was steady swiping. At first you are timid, every line of the profile matters, every background of every picture tells a story, and with every swipe right or left you realize you are playing g-d.
I started to get extremely confident and began swiping until my right index finger grew callous. I never realized how intoxicating it is to be sitting at home, doing the work of mother nature. I noticed sitting on the couch, choosing through an endless library of boys could possibly become a hobby. I went from collecting Pokemon cards to South Florida’s “nice Jewish boy” population. It really is a constant affirmation to yourself to be matched every few seconds with another attractive person. I know I will be famously judged for this, but I am just speaking the truth here. I now very clearly understand why everyone has been doing this for so long. I will no longer judge or criticize anyone who uses a dating app, because I finally get it. If you’re feeling down just remember, all it takes is a couple swipes of the index finger to remember just how fucking awesome you are. So, with all that being said add me to the Cyber Slut and Wireless Wench roster this season!